Sigh...who knows how this blogging thing will continue, but sometimes I just feel the need to write.
Being a mom is extremely hard. Some days are magnificent. Everything goes right, and I think- YES! This is what I was looking for! But truthfully, most days are HARD. Like today for instance, when my sweet baby boy decided to take ONE NAP! Seriously! Like...he usually takes a few. And he was so tired too. All day long...rubbing his eyes, soooooo fussy. Literally, he cried most of the day. And I kept trying and trying to get him to sleep, and he would do it for 15 min max. Sigh....needless to say, I am making a brownie in a mug right now.
In other news, I've been slowly making a quilt here and there. I finished the top! Now its just a matter of putting it all together and quilting it Hopefully I can manage that...
Clay no longer works at his job. There was a huge lay-off and....his entire department was a part of it. Pretty big bummer, but we are thinking a blessing in the long run. All things happen for a reason! And I truly believe we are going to head in a better direction from this. I get stressed sometimes about it, but mostly I am hopeful.
It's been nice that Clay doesn't have to go into work in the mornings because I can go to the gym! 4 workout classes a week! BOOM!
Well, that'll be all for now. My brownie in a mug just got done and I will go eat it and watch tv. I really wish I had energy and emotion enough to work on my quilt...buuuut...I don't! Oh well.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
The Birth of Asher
Well, I figured I better get this down before I continue to forget! It's already fading, though it was probably the most intense experience of my life.
It all started when Friday, about noon...I started noticing my underwear was wet...too much information? Don't worry there's more coming. So I didn't think much, I figured...you know...pregnancy is weird and I'm constantly discovering new "fun" things to deal with.
Well every time I went to the bathroom it just seemed more and more wet. By the time 5:00 rolled around I thought, you know...I better check with Molly about this. So I text her and say, "Awkward question...but I feel like I'm...leaking? Is this normal?" And she says, it could be amniotic fluid...better go get it checked at labor and delivery. So...Clayton gets home and I say, "Not to alarm you...but I've been kind of...leaking. Molly thinks we should check if its amniotic fluid." He gets a little panic in his eye, but we are thinking, eh...its probably nothing. Keep in mind its 10 days before my due date.
We make it to the hospital and they set me up in this room that is basically a closet. They say- "This is the backup of the backup of the backup of rooms...tonight has been CRAZY. We are totally out of rooms!" So you know, that's comforting. But I am probably going to be leaving anyway...so no problem.
They test the fluid and while waiting for results check to see if I'm dilated. She says, well, you are barely about a two. I know women go weeks being dilated at two so no big deal. She asks if I've been contracting at all and I say no...but I have been having some cramps here and there...like right now I feel crampy. And she feels my stomach and says, "well dear, that's because you are having a contraction!" So I say... "Oh! I guess I've been having contractions off and on then..." About then the results came back and she tells me, "Well, you are definitely in labor! That was amniotic fluid...your water is breaking!"
We told them we want to have a natural birth...no epidural, no pit. She says okay...we will try for that, but we are on a time table now. I first remembered leakage at noon so I essentially had till noon the next day to give birth without risking infection. And it was already about 6pm. My doctor was already at the hospital delivering for 2 other patients and he was really wanting to put me on pitocin to get things going. He wanted me to have the baby by 16 hours. So, I sat in my closet of a hospital room and waited while Clay ran home to get some last minute things we didn't have in my hospital bag. I continued to have my "crampy" contractions about 5 minutes apart consistently. About when Clay got back (very quickly we only live 5 min from hospital), they moved me to another room, which they said is also a backup room (no bathroom, pictures, anything...but a bed and monitor really- super small) and my labor really started to pick up. They kept saying, "I'm so sorry- we will get you in a real room soon" but it was a while...Clay and I would walk the hall, rock back and forth, sway, and I was handling it. It was painful, but manageable.
They finally took me to a room when things were really picking up...I was having contractions about 2 minutes apart by then and they were longer and harder so we were thinking, I wonder where I'm at! I've got to have dilated more! She checks me and says with an awkward face..."oh man, you are still at a two...maybe close to a three...I'm going to check you during this contraction, it will hurt, but I need to give the doctor an update" so she checks me while I'm contracting and it hurt like hell but she said, "Okay I feel comfortable telling him a three...its really a stretch, but it will make him feel better about waiting on the pit". SO I kept laboring. We got a birthing ball and that was nice...I would stand up walk, lean on Clay, lean on the sink, take deep breaths, moan out, I was DOING THIS! This lasted a few hours and we thought, okay- now I have GOT to be dilated far. She checks me and says, "Oh man you are just barely a 4"....WHAT?! My contractions were two minutes apart and INSANELY huge. She was monitoring me and confirmed I was having intense, BIG contractions. I continued to labor like this for two more hours and I was at a breaking point...I was thinking- okay, I know at some point they will make me get on pitocin because this isn't progressing fast enough and I have this dang time table because of the water breaking. Pitocin equals epidural, epidural equals no pain. Do I keep going and end up at that result no matter what and have gone through the pain for nothing? So Clay and I decided together that next time she checked me, if I hadn't progressed, I would get the epidural and pit. She checked me two hours after the last check (at a 4) and I WAS STILL AT A FOUR! Oh my gosh. Clay and I were shocked. We were like...how could I have just gone through 8 hours of active labor and only dilate 2 centimeters from when we first go here? Well...that was it, I said- get that anesthesiologist in here I want that epidural, and lets get this moving! Took another half hour or so for him to get in there and another half hour to get it going...the epidural didn't hurt at all to go in so I thought- great! He's a great anesthesiologist! So pretty soon my legs got numb...ish. I could still feel them and feel touch but I couldn't move them myself. I was feeling some pressure, not pain, but pressure and I was told that was a contraction. I thought- fantastic! This is so much better than before. They told me to try and sleep and they'd continue to check me here and there...well...nice thought. But every two minutes I could feel this intense pressure in my butt hole and vagina. Again, it wasn't necessarily PAIN but it was still intense. This lasted about 5-6 hours and I seriously just laid there thinking...everyone I've ever heard of getting epidural gets to sleep...how could they sleep through this?! They checked me and I was at a six. A SIX! I had gone from a 4 to a 6 in 6 hours with the PIT! Oh my heck! They said, "Well...we are going to break your water because it hasn't fully broken yet, and hopefully that speeds things up". So they break my water and leave us be.
Within fifteen minutes I was feeling INTENSE, PAINFUL pressure in my bum and vagina...like A LOT! I started to panic and cry and I was feeling like I needed to push. But I thought- no way? It's only been 15 minutes since I was at a six?!! I have four centimeters to go! But I was like- holy pain, holy pressure, this baby is COMING! I told Clay to call the nurse and tell her I felt like I needed to push. Of course, being me, I felt stupid...I thought- they will think I'm crazy...I was literally JUST at a six! There's no way! But also why isn't this epidural working?! She came in and said, well its possible breaking that water is all you needed to get going...and what do you know I am at a NINE! I dilated 3 centimeters in 15 minutes! I told her I was in pain and she had the anesthesiologist come in to give me another dose of epidural...well...I don't know how well it worked. I'm starting to believe it didn't work that well and that I was having a "window" that they talk about where the epidural misses or something. Point is, I was feeling every contraction, and I was panicking. She told me to start making small pushes with my contractions if I could, which was really hard to do because all I wanted to do was push like I was pooping (haha sorry, but its true!) and it was so hard to breath and push only a little. There was SO MUCH pressure. So much. With every contraction she would stretch me. Pretty soon she said, "Oh he looks like he has blonde hair! I'm going to feel it. Oh it is long!!! I'm playing with it." haha, and I thought oh how fun...can we get him out of me now? She called the doctor in (we had been doing that small push contraction thing for about 20 minutes or so) and he got me all ready and they told me it was time to push with all my might, like I was pooping (ha) three times for 10 seconds each with each contraction. I did this and he would stretch me through every push with his hands and oh my gosh- it felt SO much better to push than to not. SOMEthing to work towards, giving into my body's desires and intuition that it was time to push, it was working. I have to tell you- I felt powerful while pushing. It was HARD. Hard hard work. But I felt encouraged as every push they told me I was doing amazing and to keep doing exactly what I was doing. They never told me when I was supposed to push because I always said- I think its time! Its building!!!! And then they'd say okay go! 1...2... etc. I pushed for about a half hour with Clay on one side, my nurse on the other, my doctor down under, and all of them rooting me on. There was a moment when I knew it was the end when they all got intense saying, "hurry one more! again!" and I could FEEL he was there. I WANTED to keep going and I wanted to push with all my might, and it was so hard but I thought, "I'm doing it! I'm having a baby!" Then, I did. The second his mouth was out of me we could hear him start to cry. Everyone in the room was shocked and my doctor said, "Oh wow he is already trying to cry!" and by the time he was all out of me (within seconds) he was wailing. Best sound in the world. They tried showing him to me but I couldn't really see him and then they whisked him away to the other side of the room. I was told earlier this would all be just barely a few minutes and he would be back to me. Well, it took more like 10 minutes and there was a baby nurse that both Clay and I soon decided we hated. Don't take this lightly. I am a person that generally gives everyone the benefit of the doubt...but she soon proved herself to be a horrible person. She was checking him and Clay said, "I think there's something in his mouth or throat"...he could hear liquid in there. He said that she didn't even look at him and said, "Oh he's fine". Clay was pretty positive about it but it was all pretty hectic. Pretty soon I heard her saying, "Where's that measuring tape? Hmm I need to find that measuring tape." And all I kept thinking was- "I DON'T CARE HOW FREAKING LONG HE IS- BRING ME MY BABY!" and keep in mind he is just wailing the entire time since he got out of me. Well finally they bring him over and immediately the second he is put on me he is quiet :) It made me so relieved because the hormonal emotional woman who just gave birth to a human being thought, "He's forgotten about me! It's been too long! He won't know me! We've missed our bonding time!" well, that couldn't be further than the truth. He knew me, I knew him, and it was perfect. A perfect moment. Until...I noticed he was breathing weird. Very pained sounding. Not natural. I asked about it and they acted like it was fine...but both Clay and I were very adamant that it wasn't fine. They came in and had some nicu nurses working on him and after a WHILE...he got it all worked out and was breathing fine. But hello? Clay knew he saw and heard liquid in him when that evil baby nurse wasn't paying attention!
We had some special time just me baby and Clay and then Clay's family came to meet him. It was wonderful.
Later that day...not THAT much later mind you. Only a couple hours or so after he was born...the same baby nurse comes in and says, "Well I'm sorry but I need to take him for a bit." And I ask why and she says she needs to draw his blood for something or other. None of this sounded familiar so I said, "Can you do it in here then?" And she says no she has to take him away because she has to run an IV. I say, "Well how long will that take?!" Oh, about a half hour (like its no big deal for me to have my brand new baby taken away for half an hour?!?!). I really don't feel good about it, but don't know what to say so I just say okay...and unfortunately Clay would faint if he saw an IV, and none of our parents were there so off he goes, my precious brand new child! With this evil nurse. None of it sounds right to me and I feel so uneasy. Within 2 minutes she is back and says with a smile, "Oh good news! I didn't have to torture him...I got him mixed up with the baby next door..." and we are like..."um..." and she said, "This is the Phillipp baby right?" Yes..."Well he doesn't need to do that then!" And leaves. Doesn't say sorry, acts like this is totally normal to almost accidentally RUN AN IV IN MY 2 HOUR OLD BABY! Oh my gosh. I about had a meltdown. Clay and I just looked at each other in awe. We were pissed to say the least. We decided from then on our baby goes no where without Clay, that we need proof for everything, and that we trust our gut! So far it has been right every time. But seriously. Thank heavens for those wrist bar scan thingies because that had to of been how she realized her mistake. But seriously! Ah. I still am not over it. So she will forever be known as the evil nurse to me. Half of the problem was that she acted like it was no big deal at all. IT'S A BIG DEAL!
I think of the hospital, and I feel sick to my stomach. I HATE THE HOSPITAL. To all you crazies who like it...who are you? What is wrong with you that you enjoy being bugged every 20 minutes? Here is what happened. I have a nurse, my baby has a nurse, each of us needs to be checked every couple hours. Then the baby needs certain tests done (never all at once?), the baby needs shots, the baby needs washed, I need to give a blood sample, time to bring food in, time to order my food for the next few days, time to pick up the garbages from the room, time to introduce you to the new nurses at shift changes (not all of them at once- but mine, and then later the babies), and all of these things are done at different times than the nurses giving us our checks every couple hours. So when I say every 20 minutes, I am not exaggerating! It was literally EVERY 20 MINUTES we were being bugged. So pretty soon we said, "How soon can we leave?" and they kept acting like it'd be so hard to leave and we had to stay at least 24 hours blah blah blah we have to get approval from baby doc and my doc. Okay well, the baby doc was strongly wanting us to stay 36 hours but we just really didn't want to because everything on the baby was perfect. And he said, "Well, ultimately it's up to you- you could've left yesterday if you wanted...it's your decision I can't stop you" and we thought- what the crap? What are these nurses talking about then? So we wait a bit longer for my doctor to show up and he seriously DOESN'T EVEN CHECK ME! And says, "When do you want to leave?" And I said, "Right now." and he said, "Okay sounds good!" So it's like..umm okay why are these nurses acting like we are insane people for wanting to leave. I believe its all about money. At one point, my mom was really getting upset at the nurses and saying, "we want to leave as soon as possible, please do whatever you need to do now so we can leave" and a nurse said in a baby voice, "Well I know grandma wants to leave but these two sure don't, they need all the rest they can get!" referring to me and Clay. Ummm- I was done then. I said, "No, I WANT TO LEAVE. I am not getting any sleep here. I want to leave as soon as possible," and she didn't really have a response to that. ha.
We stay longer for our "lessons" which are basically a checklist they read to us and give to us. Don't shake the baby, oh! Okay. They probably told me that a billion times before I left. I'm like- yeah duh that's only the one thing they teach you your entire life growing up to NOT SHAKE BABIES. GOT IT! Finally we got out of there and oh my. Home is heaven! I love home. We all felt so much better.
And now...we live! We feed him, we burp him, we wrap him in a blankie, we watch him...ohhhh we watch him. I spend my entire day watching him! I think this is the first time in five days that I have done anything but just watch him. But he is laying right next to me :)
I love him. I love him so much. He is pure perfection, in every way!
Also, I love Clayton. He was so amazing during my labor and delivery. He comforted me, cheered me on, told me how amazing I was, and everything except the putting of epidural in, he was right by my side and right up in the heat of it. He watched Asher come into the world, and has protected me and him, and done everything to make me and him happy. He encourages me to rest as much as I can, and asks me how I'm doing all the time. He loves little Asher to pieces, feeds him, burps him, changes his diapers, and all SO well. He actually is really quite good at all of these things. Like, REALLY good. He's a natural. It's a very sweet experience.
And that...is it! Other random items...I barely tore, with just a few stitches, am recovering very nicely. Still pretty crampy so I keep up on IB profen. I am not breast-feeding because of Lyme...so...another fun over-share...my boobs are hard as rocks and VERY VERY VERY in pain. We are hoping this only lasts a week or so before the milk stops trying to come in. Another random- the hospital said that on average they have 4-5 deliveries every 24 hours. The 24 hours I was there, there were over 16 births. We all think it was the super moon that caused it!
Overall everything is fantastic! Sure there's been some bumps, but what doesn't? He is perfect and that's all that matters. I'm a mom! It's amazing.
I look at him and think of all the pain, the patience, the days I would cry and cry wondering if I would ever get this...and it is all worth it. I'd do it all again. He is so special and I would do everything for him to be in my life.
Welcome to the world little Asher!
It all started when Friday, about noon...I started noticing my underwear was wet...too much information? Don't worry there's more coming. So I didn't think much, I figured...you know...pregnancy is weird and I'm constantly discovering new "fun" things to deal with.
Well every time I went to the bathroom it just seemed more and more wet. By the time 5:00 rolled around I thought, you know...I better check with Molly about this. So I text her and say, "Awkward question...but I feel like I'm...leaking? Is this normal?" And she says, it could be amniotic fluid...better go get it checked at labor and delivery. So...Clayton gets home and I say, "Not to alarm you...but I've been kind of...leaking. Molly thinks we should check if its amniotic fluid." He gets a little panic in his eye, but we are thinking, eh...its probably nothing. Keep in mind its 10 days before my due date.
We make it to the hospital and they set me up in this room that is basically a closet. They say- "This is the backup of the backup of the backup of rooms...tonight has been CRAZY. We are totally out of rooms!" So you know, that's comforting. But I am probably going to be leaving anyway...so no problem.
They test the fluid and while waiting for results check to see if I'm dilated. She says, well, you are barely about a two. I know women go weeks being dilated at two so no big deal. She asks if I've been contracting at all and I say no...but I have been having some cramps here and there...like right now I feel crampy. And she feels my stomach and says, "well dear, that's because you are having a contraction!" So I say... "Oh! I guess I've been having contractions off and on then..." About then the results came back and she tells me, "Well, you are definitely in labor! That was amniotic fluid...your water is breaking!"
We told them we want to have a natural birth...no epidural, no pit. She says okay...we will try for that, but we are on a time table now. I first remembered leakage at noon so I essentially had till noon the next day to give birth without risking infection. And it was already about 6pm. My doctor was already at the hospital delivering for 2 other patients and he was really wanting to put me on pitocin to get things going. He wanted me to have the baby by 16 hours. So, I sat in my closet of a hospital room and waited while Clay ran home to get some last minute things we didn't have in my hospital bag. I continued to have my "crampy" contractions about 5 minutes apart consistently. About when Clay got back (very quickly we only live 5 min from hospital), they moved me to another room, which they said is also a backup room (no bathroom, pictures, anything...but a bed and monitor really- super small) and my labor really started to pick up. They kept saying, "I'm so sorry- we will get you in a real room soon" but it was a while...Clay and I would walk the hall, rock back and forth, sway, and I was handling it. It was painful, but manageable.
They finally took me to a room when things were really picking up...I was having contractions about 2 minutes apart by then and they were longer and harder so we were thinking, I wonder where I'm at! I've got to have dilated more! She checks me and says with an awkward face..."oh man, you are still at a two...maybe close to a three...I'm going to check you during this contraction, it will hurt, but I need to give the doctor an update" so she checks me while I'm contracting and it hurt like hell but she said, "Okay I feel comfortable telling him a three...its really a stretch, but it will make him feel better about waiting on the pit". SO I kept laboring. We got a birthing ball and that was nice...I would stand up walk, lean on Clay, lean on the sink, take deep breaths, moan out, I was DOING THIS! This lasted a few hours and we thought, okay- now I have GOT to be dilated far. She checks me and says, "Oh man you are just barely a 4"....WHAT?! My contractions were two minutes apart and INSANELY huge. She was monitoring me and confirmed I was having intense, BIG contractions. I continued to labor like this for two more hours and I was at a breaking point...I was thinking- okay, I know at some point they will make me get on pitocin because this isn't progressing fast enough and I have this dang time table because of the water breaking. Pitocin equals epidural, epidural equals no pain. Do I keep going and end up at that result no matter what and have gone through the pain for nothing? So Clay and I decided together that next time she checked me, if I hadn't progressed, I would get the epidural and pit. She checked me two hours after the last check (at a 4) and I WAS STILL AT A FOUR! Oh my gosh. Clay and I were shocked. We were like...how could I have just gone through 8 hours of active labor and only dilate 2 centimeters from when we first go here? Well...that was it, I said- get that anesthesiologist in here I want that epidural, and lets get this moving! Took another half hour or so for him to get in there and another half hour to get it going...the epidural didn't hurt at all to go in so I thought- great! He's a great anesthesiologist! So pretty soon my legs got numb...ish. I could still feel them and feel touch but I couldn't move them myself. I was feeling some pressure, not pain, but pressure and I was told that was a contraction. I thought- fantastic! This is so much better than before. They told me to try and sleep and they'd continue to check me here and there...well...nice thought. But every two minutes I could feel this intense pressure in my butt hole and vagina. Again, it wasn't necessarily PAIN but it was still intense. This lasted about 5-6 hours and I seriously just laid there thinking...everyone I've ever heard of getting epidural gets to sleep...how could they sleep through this?! They checked me and I was at a six. A SIX! I had gone from a 4 to a 6 in 6 hours with the PIT! Oh my heck! They said, "Well...we are going to break your water because it hasn't fully broken yet, and hopefully that speeds things up". So they break my water and leave us be.
Within fifteen minutes I was feeling INTENSE, PAINFUL pressure in my bum and vagina...like A LOT! I started to panic and cry and I was feeling like I needed to push. But I thought- no way? It's only been 15 minutes since I was at a six?!! I have four centimeters to go! But I was like- holy pain, holy pressure, this baby is COMING! I told Clay to call the nurse and tell her I felt like I needed to push. Of course, being me, I felt stupid...I thought- they will think I'm crazy...I was literally JUST at a six! There's no way! But also why isn't this epidural working?! She came in and said, well its possible breaking that water is all you needed to get going...and what do you know I am at a NINE! I dilated 3 centimeters in 15 minutes! I told her I was in pain and she had the anesthesiologist come in to give me another dose of epidural...well...I don't know how well it worked. I'm starting to believe it didn't work that well and that I was having a "window" that they talk about where the epidural misses or something. Point is, I was feeling every contraction, and I was panicking. She told me to start making small pushes with my contractions if I could, which was really hard to do because all I wanted to do was push like I was pooping (haha sorry, but its true!) and it was so hard to breath and push only a little. There was SO MUCH pressure. So much. With every contraction she would stretch me. Pretty soon she said, "Oh he looks like he has blonde hair! I'm going to feel it. Oh it is long!!! I'm playing with it." haha, and I thought oh how fun...can we get him out of me now? She called the doctor in (we had been doing that small push contraction thing for about 20 minutes or so) and he got me all ready and they told me it was time to push with all my might, like I was pooping (ha) three times for 10 seconds each with each contraction. I did this and he would stretch me through every push with his hands and oh my gosh- it felt SO much better to push than to not. SOMEthing to work towards, giving into my body's desires and intuition that it was time to push, it was working. I have to tell you- I felt powerful while pushing. It was HARD. Hard hard work. But I felt encouraged as every push they told me I was doing amazing and to keep doing exactly what I was doing. They never told me when I was supposed to push because I always said- I think its time! Its building!!!! And then they'd say okay go! 1...2... etc. I pushed for about a half hour with Clay on one side, my nurse on the other, my doctor down under, and all of them rooting me on. There was a moment when I knew it was the end when they all got intense saying, "hurry one more! again!" and I could FEEL he was there. I WANTED to keep going and I wanted to push with all my might, and it was so hard but I thought, "I'm doing it! I'm having a baby!" Then, I did. The second his mouth was out of me we could hear him start to cry. Everyone in the room was shocked and my doctor said, "Oh wow he is already trying to cry!" and by the time he was all out of me (within seconds) he was wailing. Best sound in the world. They tried showing him to me but I couldn't really see him and then they whisked him away to the other side of the room. I was told earlier this would all be just barely a few minutes and he would be back to me. Well, it took more like 10 minutes and there was a baby nurse that both Clay and I soon decided we hated. Don't take this lightly. I am a person that generally gives everyone the benefit of the doubt...but she soon proved herself to be a horrible person. She was checking him and Clay said, "I think there's something in his mouth or throat"...he could hear liquid in there. He said that she didn't even look at him and said, "Oh he's fine". Clay was pretty positive about it but it was all pretty hectic. Pretty soon I heard her saying, "Where's that measuring tape? Hmm I need to find that measuring tape." And all I kept thinking was- "I DON'T CARE HOW FREAKING LONG HE IS- BRING ME MY BABY!" and keep in mind he is just wailing the entire time since he got out of me. Well finally they bring him over and immediately the second he is put on me he is quiet :) It made me so relieved because the hormonal emotional woman who just gave birth to a human being thought, "He's forgotten about me! It's been too long! He won't know me! We've missed our bonding time!" well, that couldn't be further than the truth. He knew me, I knew him, and it was perfect. A perfect moment. Until...I noticed he was breathing weird. Very pained sounding. Not natural. I asked about it and they acted like it was fine...but both Clay and I were very adamant that it wasn't fine. They came in and had some nicu nurses working on him and after a WHILE...he got it all worked out and was breathing fine. But hello? Clay knew he saw and heard liquid in him when that evil baby nurse wasn't paying attention!
We had some special time just me baby and Clay and then Clay's family came to meet him. It was wonderful.
Later that day...not THAT much later mind you. Only a couple hours or so after he was born...the same baby nurse comes in and says, "Well I'm sorry but I need to take him for a bit." And I ask why and she says she needs to draw his blood for something or other. None of this sounded familiar so I said, "Can you do it in here then?" And she says no she has to take him away because she has to run an IV. I say, "Well how long will that take?!" Oh, about a half hour (like its no big deal for me to have my brand new baby taken away for half an hour?!?!). I really don't feel good about it, but don't know what to say so I just say okay...and unfortunately Clay would faint if he saw an IV, and none of our parents were there so off he goes, my precious brand new child! With this evil nurse. None of it sounds right to me and I feel so uneasy. Within 2 minutes she is back and says with a smile, "Oh good news! I didn't have to torture him...I got him mixed up with the baby next door..." and we are like..."um..." and she said, "This is the Phillipp baby right?" Yes..."Well he doesn't need to do that then!" And leaves. Doesn't say sorry, acts like this is totally normal to almost accidentally RUN AN IV IN MY 2 HOUR OLD BABY! Oh my gosh. I about had a meltdown. Clay and I just looked at each other in awe. We were pissed to say the least. We decided from then on our baby goes no where without Clay, that we need proof for everything, and that we trust our gut! So far it has been right every time. But seriously. Thank heavens for those wrist bar scan thingies because that had to of been how she realized her mistake. But seriously! Ah. I still am not over it. So she will forever be known as the evil nurse to me. Half of the problem was that she acted like it was no big deal at all. IT'S A BIG DEAL!
I think of the hospital, and I feel sick to my stomach. I HATE THE HOSPITAL. To all you crazies who like it...who are you? What is wrong with you that you enjoy being bugged every 20 minutes? Here is what happened. I have a nurse, my baby has a nurse, each of us needs to be checked every couple hours. Then the baby needs certain tests done (never all at once?), the baby needs shots, the baby needs washed, I need to give a blood sample, time to bring food in, time to order my food for the next few days, time to pick up the garbages from the room, time to introduce you to the new nurses at shift changes (not all of them at once- but mine, and then later the babies), and all of these things are done at different times than the nurses giving us our checks every couple hours. So when I say every 20 minutes, I am not exaggerating! It was literally EVERY 20 MINUTES we were being bugged. So pretty soon we said, "How soon can we leave?" and they kept acting like it'd be so hard to leave and we had to stay at least 24 hours blah blah blah we have to get approval from baby doc and my doc. Okay well, the baby doc was strongly wanting us to stay 36 hours but we just really didn't want to because everything on the baby was perfect. And he said, "Well, ultimately it's up to you- you could've left yesterday if you wanted...it's your decision I can't stop you" and we thought- what the crap? What are these nurses talking about then? So we wait a bit longer for my doctor to show up and he seriously DOESN'T EVEN CHECK ME! And says, "When do you want to leave?" And I said, "Right now." and he said, "Okay sounds good!" So it's like..umm okay why are these nurses acting like we are insane people for wanting to leave. I believe its all about money. At one point, my mom was really getting upset at the nurses and saying, "we want to leave as soon as possible, please do whatever you need to do now so we can leave" and a nurse said in a baby voice, "Well I know grandma wants to leave but these two sure don't, they need all the rest they can get!" referring to me and Clay. Ummm- I was done then. I said, "No, I WANT TO LEAVE. I am not getting any sleep here. I want to leave as soon as possible," and she didn't really have a response to that. ha.
We stay longer for our "lessons" which are basically a checklist they read to us and give to us. Don't shake the baby, oh! Okay. They probably told me that a billion times before I left. I'm like- yeah duh that's only the one thing they teach you your entire life growing up to NOT SHAKE BABIES. GOT IT! Finally we got out of there and oh my. Home is heaven! I love home. We all felt so much better.
And now...we live! We feed him, we burp him, we wrap him in a blankie, we watch him...ohhhh we watch him. I spend my entire day watching him! I think this is the first time in five days that I have done anything but just watch him. But he is laying right next to me :)
I love him. I love him so much. He is pure perfection, in every way!
Also, I love Clayton. He was so amazing during my labor and delivery. He comforted me, cheered me on, told me how amazing I was, and everything except the putting of epidural in, he was right by my side and right up in the heat of it. He watched Asher come into the world, and has protected me and him, and done everything to make me and him happy. He encourages me to rest as much as I can, and asks me how I'm doing all the time. He loves little Asher to pieces, feeds him, burps him, changes his diapers, and all SO well. He actually is really quite good at all of these things. Like, REALLY good. He's a natural. It's a very sweet experience.
And that...is it! Other random items...I barely tore, with just a few stitches, am recovering very nicely. Still pretty crampy so I keep up on IB profen. I am not breast-feeding because of Lyme...so...another fun over-share...my boobs are hard as rocks and VERY VERY VERY in pain. We are hoping this only lasts a week or so before the milk stops trying to come in. Another random- the hospital said that on average they have 4-5 deliveries every 24 hours. The 24 hours I was there, there were over 16 births. We all think it was the super moon that caused it!
Overall everything is fantastic! Sure there's been some bumps, but what doesn't? He is perfect and that's all that matters. I'm a mom! It's amazing.
I look at him and think of all the pain, the patience, the days I would cry and cry wondering if I would ever get this...and it is all worth it. I'd do it all again. He is so special and I would do everything for him to be in my life.
Welcome to the world little Asher!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Watch your step Danielle!
Because apparently third trimester is when you no longer know how to walk or go shopping without trying to kill yourself!
This started mostly the other day when I was at TJmaxx...squatting down to look at something on the bottom shelf. Nothing extraordinary...you know, normal action and all. As I begin to stand, I feel my center of gravity shifting, and my entire body shifting backwards....its as if time was moving in SLOW MOTION. Imagine those cartoons...you know, like where someone moves backwards a hundred steps to gain their balance and then crashes into something causing a ruckus. Well, thank the dear heavens that didn't happen! I did in fact, move backwards what felt like a hundred steps (but it couldn't have been more than five since I was in an aisle) before gaining my balance and nervously looking around me to see if anyone had seen this embarrassing display of pregnant balance.
But, whatever pride I gained in that experience for recovering, certainly came back to haunt me this morning as I was walking up the steps I walk up every single morning for work. Oh, you know...just TWO cement steps. Well for whatever reason, my pregnant foot decided to catch on this step and I STRAIGHT UP FELL ON THE GROUND, AND RAN INTO THE DOOR TRYING TO RECOVER, which I did not! If you're wondering, I scraped two toes, a knee, and an elbow to the point of BLOOD. Also, tore a hole in the pants of my MOTHERHOOD MATERNITY pants! That's right! So, those are becoming shorts I suppose. Oh also it caused my big toenail to rip halfway off...which is just great since I was planning on getting a pedicure soon.
Of course the first thing I did before even getting up was look around to make sure no one saw me. No one did! That I know of! Thank the heavens!
Next I thought- oh my gosh they probably heard me run into the door, I better get up before they come and see me on the ground!
I got in the office and both my co-workers were headed toward the door with worried faces- "was that you?!"
Oh...yes, it was me. In all my pregnant glory!
Got myself bandaged up...and let me tell you...these wounds sting! I haven't like...scraped myself since I was a child. Like seriously, the last wounds like this I remember are from bike riding...they are NOT fun. No wonder kids cry when they fall off their bikes. I didn't cry though! Thank goodness. That' would've been embarrassing.
The good thing is, that I am realizing now...is...I didn't land on my back or belly, which could have been an issue...and the little babe is moving around like he always does when I drink my green smoothie...so all should be well I suppose.
By the way, have I told you how ready I am to have this baby? Like READY. I am telling you- there were times when I'd get in positions to try and make him move like crazy because it was just the most fun. It still is...BUT, now I have to get out of those positions because every movement is like- YOWZA BOY! What organ are you pressing into now??!! Most things are just uncomfortable these days, and things like getting a new roll of toilet paper from the bottom shelf of the cupboard have me grumbling.
Oh well, its all worth it. I just feel like this will be the longest 6 weeks of my life waiting! Mostly I am just so excited to see this boy and mother him on the outside :)
This started mostly the other day when I was at TJmaxx...squatting down to look at something on the bottom shelf. Nothing extraordinary...you know, normal action and all. As I begin to stand, I feel my center of gravity shifting, and my entire body shifting backwards....its as if time was moving in SLOW MOTION. Imagine those cartoons...you know, like where someone moves backwards a hundred steps to gain their balance and then crashes into something causing a ruckus. Well, thank the dear heavens that didn't happen! I did in fact, move backwards what felt like a hundred steps (but it couldn't have been more than five since I was in an aisle) before gaining my balance and nervously looking around me to see if anyone had seen this embarrassing display of pregnant balance.
But, whatever pride I gained in that experience for recovering, certainly came back to haunt me this morning as I was walking up the steps I walk up every single morning for work. Oh, you know...just TWO cement steps. Well for whatever reason, my pregnant foot decided to catch on this step and I STRAIGHT UP FELL ON THE GROUND, AND RAN INTO THE DOOR TRYING TO RECOVER, which I did not! If you're wondering, I scraped two toes, a knee, and an elbow to the point of BLOOD. Also, tore a hole in the pants of my MOTHERHOOD MATERNITY pants! That's right! So, those are becoming shorts I suppose. Oh also it caused my big toenail to rip halfway off...which is just great since I was planning on getting a pedicure soon.
Of course the first thing I did before even getting up was look around to make sure no one saw me. No one did! That I know of! Thank the heavens!
Next I thought- oh my gosh they probably heard me run into the door, I better get up before they come and see me on the ground!
I got in the office and both my co-workers were headed toward the door with worried faces- "was that you?!"
Oh...yes, it was me. In all my pregnant glory!
Got myself bandaged up...and let me tell you...these wounds sting! I haven't like...scraped myself since I was a child. Like seriously, the last wounds like this I remember are from bike riding...they are NOT fun. No wonder kids cry when they fall off their bikes. I didn't cry though! Thank goodness. That' would've been embarrassing.
The good thing is, that I am realizing now...is...I didn't land on my back or belly, which could have been an issue...and the little babe is moving around like he always does when I drink my green smoothie...so all should be well I suppose.
By the way, have I told you how ready I am to have this baby? Like READY. I am telling you- there were times when I'd get in positions to try and make him move like crazy because it was just the most fun. It still is...BUT, now I have to get out of those positions because every movement is like- YOWZA BOY! What organ are you pressing into now??!! Most things are just uncomfortable these days, and things like getting a new roll of toilet paper from the bottom shelf of the cupboard have me grumbling.
Oh well, its all worth it. I just feel like this will be the longest 6 weeks of my life waiting! Mostly I am just so excited to see this boy and mother him on the outside :)
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Saturday Morning thoughts
Well, I have to tell you, I am getting SO excited to plant my garden this year! I loved having it last year and I learned SO much about things I liked and didn't like. For instance, I LOVE cherry tomatoes, but I HATE picking them. I mean for realsies, that plant went INSANE with hundreds of cherry tomatoes and it was just a pain to me!!!
Also, zuchinni was a waste of space! For my family at least. Clayton doesn't really like zuchinni, and I don't love it enough to eat out the BAZILLION zuchinnis that came...it was hard to keep up on. Give them to your neighbors! You may say. Well here's the thing about this area, EVERYONE has zuchinnis coming out of their ears...so its pointless. I'll just take some from my neighbors instead :) Also, that danged plant took up the majority of the box! No thanks!
I loved having lettuce. I also loved the bell peppers and carrots. The onions flopped, which I don't even know why I planted onions cause we sure don't go through them a lot. The cabbage was way cool, but kind of a lot of effort and space for ONE harvest.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want to plant this year. I'm pretty positive there will be snap peas, lettuce, spinach, kale, tomato, carrots, bell pepper, MAYBE green beans...I've got to just map it out and see. I'm still sticking with my two 4x4's, maybe if this year is super successful I will expand next year.
I really need to clean up the area cause its kind of become a mess. It's funny how moms just know better in so many things. My mom said to me last year about a spot in my yard, well you may want to do it this way because this is a nice spot for flowers that you may decide to plant sometime in the future. I just brushed it off and thought, YEAH RIGHT. Flowers over here? Too much work. Now I'm looking at my yard and thinking, oh, flowers would be so nice along that fence! Mother knows best, Danielle.
Clayton and I care more and more about our house and yard each year. Patty tells me its because we finally decided to live in our house, and stop thinking about moving. I disagree. I think its because our bodies have felt healthier and more capable each year since we've lived here. We finally have the ABILITY to do things! We have the energy in our minds and hearts to care about things other than our aching bodies. It's so nice to have interests. I was reading something the other day about how our life can only do so many things or be interested in so many things before certain criteria are met. The first criteria is like, house/food/clothing. The second is health, physical capacity. Then it goes on to hobbies, and other things. It really lit a light bulb for me because I just always wondered so many times when Clayton and I were trying so hard to get well, how did people have the energy to do all these things? I know you'd think it'd be logical and like, duh. But in the moment it just doesn't feel that way. Looking back I am like- DUH! But in the moment I just didn't know why people even cared. I thought, seriously what a waste of time to work on your yard so hard. Or I thought, that just isn't priority for me...I'd rather spend my time doing something else. Now that my physical health is so much better, I get so excited to fix up our house and yard! So does Clayton. How refreshing :)
Are you wondering all the things I'd like to do to improve our house? I'll tell you :) Number one on my list is a PATIO! Ah! How I'd love a patio in our backyard! But patios cost money, and incase you forgot, we are having a baby here soon...so its hard to justify spending large sums of money on things that aren't needed when you just never know if we may be needing that for baby complications or what not.
With a patio comes a back door from our dining room to the backyard. Right now there is a window. And in order to get to the backyard, we have to go through our garage. It's just a pain. Not horrid or anything, but it would be nice to just go out from the house. You know, luxuries.
Other items include: soft water tank, sprinkler system, re-sod our backyard (it is sooooo lumpy and has random dips all over the place. I kinda worry for our little tyke when he starts running around cause it kinda could break someones leg if they weren't careful- hey maybe I just found an excuse that made this a NEED?? hehe), granite counter tops for kitchen and bathrooms, and new baseboards and crown molding. The counter tops and molding are kinda like WAY last priority cause its just cosmetics really. But boy would they make the house look nice!
In other news, I have been having braxton hicks contractions! Its pretty frustrating. Because you know, apparently you should stop what you are doing (like working out) until they stop. So...its just not the greatest being limited. Also I was getting them in bed last night, so I had to roll out of bed (not a fun activity) and stand and walk around our bedroom. I really don't think I've been much of a complainer yet in this pregnancy, and the thing is...I feel very complainy these days. I feel so uncomfortable and squished! I don't logically understand how this baby is going to gain potentially 4-7 more pounds! Where will he go? He is already punching my ribs all day long trying to stretch out! Its amazing what our bodies are capable of.
Today I am making a fudge truffle cheesecake. Anyone whose made this knows the love that goes into it. Its a massive amount of bowls and what not. Well I have to tell you also that I am such a cheesecake snob. I mean, unless its from the cheesecake factory, or homemade by myself or a sister (don't really think my mom makes cheesecakes), or of course the master herself, GRANDMA, its just not good. I'm sorry- but so many people are so satisfied with fake cheesecake. That's all I can figure that it is, fake. Cause its like trying really hard and there must be cream cheese in it or something but it really just tastes disgusting and not even worth my sugar intake. People don't get this about me. Except maybe my sisters and mom and grandma. I really just think most people don't know how to make proper cheesecakes. I wonder if they use shortcuts, or just don't use the right recipes, or what. All I know is I've tasted far superior cheesecakes than the majority of people in (dare I say it?) the WORLD. I really believe that too.
Alright, well this has been a sufficiently long and random post. I'm guessing only Megan will read it at some point because we are pretty much the only ones who blog and read blogs anymore :) Love ya Megan!
Also, zuchinni was a waste of space! For my family at least. Clayton doesn't really like zuchinni, and I don't love it enough to eat out the BAZILLION zuchinnis that came...it was hard to keep up on. Give them to your neighbors! You may say. Well here's the thing about this area, EVERYONE has zuchinnis coming out of their ears...so its pointless. I'll just take some from my neighbors instead :) Also, that danged plant took up the majority of the box! No thanks!
I loved having lettuce. I also loved the bell peppers and carrots. The onions flopped, which I don't even know why I planted onions cause we sure don't go through them a lot. The cabbage was way cool, but kind of a lot of effort and space for ONE harvest.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want to plant this year. I'm pretty positive there will be snap peas, lettuce, spinach, kale, tomato, carrots, bell pepper, MAYBE green beans...I've got to just map it out and see. I'm still sticking with my two 4x4's, maybe if this year is super successful I will expand next year.
I really need to clean up the area cause its kind of become a mess. It's funny how moms just know better in so many things. My mom said to me last year about a spot in my yard, well you may want to do it this way because this is a nice spot for flowers that you may decide to plant sometime in the future. I just brushed it off and thought, YEAH RIGHT. Flowers over here? Too much work. Now I'm looking at my yard and thinking, oh, flowers would be so nice along that fence! Mother knows best, Danielle.
Clayton and I care more and more about our house and yard each year. Patty tells me its because we finally decided to live in our house, and stop thinking about moving. I disagree. I think its because our bodies have felt healthier and more capable each year since we've lived here. We finally have the ABILITY to do things! We have the energy in our minds and hearts to care about things other than our aching bodies. It's so nice to have interests. I was reading something the other day about how our life can only do so many things or be interested in so many things before certain criteria are met. The first criteria is like, house/food/clothing. The second is health, physical capacity. Then it goes on to hobbies, and other things. It really lit a light bulb for me because I just always wondered so many times when Clayton and I were trying so hard to get well, how did people have the energy to do all these things? I know you'd think it'd be logical and like, duh. But in the moment it just doesn't feel that way. Looking back I am like- DUH! But in the moment I just didn't know why people even cared. I thought, seriously what a waste of time to work on your yard so hard. Or I thought, that just isn't priority for me...I'd rather spend my time doing something else. Now that my physical health is so much better, I get so excited to fix up our house and yard! So does Clayton. How refreshing :)
Are you wondering all the things I'd like to do to improve our house? I'll tell you :) Number one on my list is a PATIO! Ah! How I'd love a patio in our backyard! But patios cost money, and incase you forgot, we are having a baby here soon...so its hard to justify spending large sums of money on things that aren't needed when you just never know if we may be needing that for baby complications or what not.
With a patio comes a back door from our dining room to the backyard. Right now there is a window. And in order to get to the backyard, we have to go through our garage. It's just a pain. Not horrid or anything, but it would be nice to just go out from the house. You know, luxuries.
Other items include: soft water tank, sprinkler system, re-sod our backyard (it is sooooo lumpy and has random dips all over the place. I kinda worry for our little tyke when he starts running around cause it kinda could break someones leg if they weren't careful- hey maybe I just found an excuse that made this a NEED?? hehe), granite counter tops for kitchen and bathrooms, and new baseboards and crown molding. The counter tops and molding are kinda like WAY last priority cause its just cosmetics really. But boy would they make the house look nice!
In other news, I have been having braxton hicks contractions! Its pretty frustrating. Because you know, apparently you should stop what you are doing (like working out) until they stop. So...its just not the greatest being limited. Also I was getting them in bed last night, so I had to roll out of bed (not a fun activity) and stand and walk around our bedroom. I really don't think I've been much of a complainer yet in this pregnancy, and the thing is...I feel very complainy these days. I feel so uncomfortable and squished! I don't logically understand how this baby is going to gain potentially 4-7 more pounds! Where will he go? He is already punching my ribs all day long trying to stretch out! Its amazing what our bodies are capable of.
Today I am making a fudge truffle cheesecake. Anyone whose made this knows the love that goes into it. Its a massive amount of bowls and what not. Well I have to tell you also that I am such a cheesecake snob. I mean, unless its from the cheesecake factory, or homemade by myself or a sister (don't really think my mom makes cheesecakes), or of course the master herself, GRANDMA, its just not good. I'm sorry- but so many people are so satisfied with fake cheesecake. That's all I can figure that it is, fake. Cause its like trying really hard and there must be cream cheese in it or something but it really just tastes disgusting and not even worth my sugar intake. People don't get this about me. Except maybe my sisters and mom and grandma. I really just think most people don't know how to make proper cheesecakes. I wonder if they use shortcuts, or just don't use the right recipes, or what. All I know is I've tasted far superior cheesecakes than the majority of people in (dare I say it?) the WORLD. I really believe that too.
Alright, well this has been a sufficiently long and random post. I'm guessing only Megan will read it at some point because we are pretty much the only ones who blog and read blogs anymore :) Love ya Megan!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Lyme Pregnancy Woes
Every time someone asks me how I'm feeling, I say honestly- "Great!"
I really have been SO so blessed with this pregnancy. No complications, no extra pains or worries, the baby kicks all the time, all my levels and hormones are on point, everything is as it should be.
I am so lucky!
I have been exercising, and eating very healthy this week. I ate sweet potatoes, avocados, lots of veggies, green smoothies, berries, oats, some homemade whole wheat bread, things like that.
Well, yesterday I woke up feeling exhausted. So so tired. And not even just tired. My legs were heavy, my arms were heavy, and suddenly I flashed back to Thanksgiving of 2010 when I truly realized, something is wrong with me...this isn't normal. My body felt like it did when I was in the throws of fighting Lyme. Every movement was such an effort. I felt weak, and like I could just lay my head down and fall asleep and not do anything and be completely satisfied.
It worried me.
I thought, why am I feeling this way? I have been so healthy!
A couple thoughts came to mind...though I had been healthy, my diet was SEVERELY lacking in protein. Also, the day before I had worked, gone to the gym, gone grocery shopping, unloaded and put away lots of groceries, did dinner, cleaned kitchen, made bread, and by the time I was done it was 9:30. I THINK the reason of that heavy day was that I was working hard and not feeding my body enough protein. So yesterday night I ate a meaty spaghetti at Patty's, I ate a bunch of lara bars (not super high in protein but has some) and rested, and this morning I woke up feeling renewed. My body doesn't feel heavy anymore! (Even though at the doctors office the scale tipped way higher than I've ever seen before!) What a relief.
The fear still remains though. I worry all the time that it is coming back for me and Clay. I worry that I will experience what I've read about for so many women with Lyme...that they have FANTASTIC pregnancies, much like me, and as soon as they have the baby the Lyme comes swooshing back in their lives with an even greater force than before. That as soon as I have a baby to care for, my body will feel heavy and tired again, and what if I'm not enough?!
These thoughts terrify me.
Then, today at the doctors appointment, I asked about testing the baby for Lyme. It was met with not the best reaction...but I need to do more research on this to help back me up and help me decide what the best route to take is anyway.
What if my baby has Lyme?
Yes, I am the luckiest. I am so blessed. I have had an amazing pregnancy! But. I have these special little fears that no one would even know to ask about. I may feel great, but it doesn't take away the fear of what's to come.
I AM the luckiest though. I AM so blessed. Even if all these worst case scenarios happen, I KNOW what to do. I KNOW what it is. I will understand why its happening! Just think of all those poor women and babies that this happens to that don't understand. I am so lucky and so blessed that I have the knowledge I do and that I have been through what I have so that I can fight whatever comes my way! And as with everything, I have the Lord on my side, and he will help me through anything.
I know I can do it. No matter what it is. I will handle it, and my body is capable. I know the power and strength my body can have and I WILL be the best mother for my child.
Alright, good pep talk!
I really have been SO so blessed with this pregnancy. No complications, no extra pains or worries, the baby kicks all the time, all my levels and hormones are on point, everything is as it should be.
I am so lucky!
I have been exercising, and eating very healthy this week. I ate sweet potatoes, avocados, lots of veggies, green smoothies, berries, oats, some homemade whole wheat bread, things like that.
Well, yesterday I woke up feeling exhausted. So so tired. And not even just tired. My legs were heavy, my arms were heavy, and suddenly I flashed back to Thanksgiving of 2010 when I truly realized, something is wrong with me...this isn't normal. My body felt like it did when I was in the throws of fighting Lyme. Every movement was such an effort. I felt weak, and like I could just lay my head down and fall asleep and not do anything and be completely satisfied.
It worried me.
I thought, why am I feeling this way? I have been so healthy!
A couple thoughts came to mind...though I had been healthy, my diet was SEVERELY lacking in protein. Also, the day before I had worked, gone to the gym, gone grocery shopping, unloaded and put away lots of groceries, did dinner, cleaned kitchen, made bread, and by the time I was done it was 9:30. I THINK the reason of that heavy day was that I was working hard and not feeding my body enough protein. So yesterday night I ate a meaty spaghetti at Patty's, I ate a bunch of lara bars (not super high in protein but has some) and rested, and this morning I woke up feeling renewed. My body doesn't feel heavy anymore! (Even though at the doctors office the scale tipped way higher than I've ever seen before!) What a relief.
The fear still remains though. I worry all the time that it is coming back for me and Clay. I worry that I will experience what I've read about for so many women with Lyme...that they have FANTASTIC pregnancies, much like me, and as soon as they have the baby the Lyme comes swooshing back in their lives with an even greater force than before. That as soon as I have a baby to care for, my body will feel heavy and tired again, and what if I'm not enough?!
These thoughts terrify me.
Then, today at the doctors appointment, I asked about testing the baby for Lyme. It was met with not the best reaction...but I need to do more research on this to help back me up and help me decide what the best route to take is anyway.
What if my baby has Lyme?
Yes, I am the luckiest. I am so blessed. I have had an amazing pregnancy! But. I have these special little fears that no one would even know to ask about. I may feel great, but it doesn't take away the fear of what's to come.
I AM the luckiest though. I AM so blessed. Even if all these worst case scenarios happen, I KNOW what to do. I KNOW what it is. I will understand why its happening! Just think of all those poor women and babies that this happens to that don't understand. I am so lucky and so blessed that I have the knowledge I do and that I have been through what I have so that I can fight whatever comes my way! And as with everything, I have the Lord on my side, and he will help me through anything.
I know I can do it. No matter what it is. I will handle it, and my body is capable. I know the power and strength my body can have and I WILL be the best mother for my child.
Alright, good pep talk!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Life's ups and downs
This last week has been crazy.
Sunday was Easter, which was great.
Monday morning I found out that a sweet little five year old boy from our ward we just moved out of passed away on Easter from a 4-wheeling accident.
Wednesday we went through the temple with Makayla for her first time (very special!).
Thursday, we went to the funeral of the little boy. His dad (our friend) said to me, "Make sure you squeeze him tight every day." with tears in his eyes (referring to our child coming soon).
Saturday we celebrated Makayla and Allen getting married! Oh my gosh it was so sweet. They are such a great couple and I couldn't be happier for them!
And alllllllll week this baby has been doing olympic sized events inside my belly!
I just feel like life is crazy. There are so many things that happen that can jolt us and remind us the sanctity of life and relationships and how quickly they can be taken away. And there are things that can just bring so much joy as well. I'm SO happy for Makayla I can hardly stand it, and at the very same moment I am SO sad for our friends who just lost their son after only five years.
I'm grateful for my knowledge of the Savior, and of the plan of Salvation. It would be so much harder without it. One of the speakers at the funeral said when he was preparing his talk he felt an overwhelming feeling that Landyn (the boy who passed away) was reunited with his grandma (who passed a few years ago). I believe that. I am just sad for the family that had to say goodbye so early.
The temple is so special. I love that whenever I go I am reminded of the smallness of this earth life, and how great the plan of salvation is. It truly is the plan of happiness! It helps bring perspective and peace.
I hope I can use these experiences to be a better mom and a better person who cherishes the moments more!
Sunday was Easter, which was great.
Monday morning I found out that a sweet little five year old boy from our ward we just moved out of passed away on Easter from a 4-wheeling accident.
Wednesday we went through the temple with Makayla for her first time (very special!).
Thursday, we went to the funeral of the little boy. His dad (our friend) said to me, "Make sure you squeeze him tight every day." with tears in his eyes (referring to our child coming soon).
Saturday we celebrated Makayla and Allen getting married! Oh my gosh it was so sweet. They are such a great couple and I couldn't be happier for them!
And alllllllll week this baby has been doing olympic sized events inside my belly!
I just feel like life is crazy. There are so many things that happen that can jolt us and remind us the sanctity of life and relationships and how quickly they can be taken away. And there are things that can just bring so much joy as well. I'm SO happy for Makayla I can hardly stand it, and at the very same moment I am SO sad for our friends who just lost their son after only five years.
I'm grateful for my knowledge of the Savior, and of the plan of Salvation. It would be so much harder without it. One of the speakers at the funeral said when he was preparing his talk he felt an overwhelming feeling that Landyn (the boy who passed away) was reunited with his grandma (who passed a few years ago). I believe that. I am just sad for the family that had to say goodbye so early.
The temple is so special. I love that whenever I go I am reminded of the smallness of this earth life, and how great the plan of salvation is. It truly is the plan of happiness! It helps bring perspective and peace.
I hope I can use these experiences to be a better mom and a better person who cherishes the moments more!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
A little catchup
1. I just completed my (hopefully) last tax season ever! I mean, really that's kind of a big statement and an exaggeration since I still plan on doing some tax returns each year for friends and family and potential others if they want. I have no idea how this mom thing will go for me but if I can handle a small (and I mean SMALL) small small side business of doing taxes once a year, it'd be awesome. But let it be known, I have officially worked 7 tax seasons as a professional.
2. I am a mess over the nursery. I have all these booming ideas and then I worry late into the early hours of the morning, PAST midnight, when I need to be sleeping, all about if I would regret painting a chalkboard wall, or if it will look stupid to have a rug under the rocking chair, or if a dresser is really a good idea in such a small room or if I should go with a changing table that is smaller, and if I should do a garland, or if that'd be too busy, and THE LIST GOES ON! I mean seriously, I worry about these things and it keeps me from sleeping! It drives me bonkers! The whole night I say to myself, "Danielle, worry about it tomorrow- just go to sleep....PLEASE just go to sleep...COME ON NOW JUST STOP THINKING!" It rarely works and I've decided I probably will just be like this until its done. So I plow forward.
3. Paul finished the crib and it. is. GORGEOUS! I mean, seriously. Better than I could've imagined. I'm inlove with it! If all things go wrong in that nursery, that crib makes up for it. It's amazing. I'm so lucky.
4. I go through spurts of eating superbly, and then pretty much not great. I usually have a green smoothie each morning no matter what (banana, oats, chia, spinach, orange juice concentrate, frozen strawberries, water), so that's good. But sometimes...like...yesterday. I ate an ENTIRE box of macaroni and cheese by myself for lunch! Yikes! But today I ate a huge spinach salad with tons of veggies and an entire avocado...so you know, I am hoping it all balances out.
5. I'm SO excited for this baby to come! I have a feeling he'll be the most wonderful human being ever to have existed. Also, I am a little nervous. I have these fears that I'll just...suck at being a mom. Anytime I voice these opinions everyone is like- blah blahlbalh you will be amazing! I know, I know. But I can't help it! I don't KNOW what I haven't experienced yet, you know? Like, what if I have a baby and HATE IT?!?! This is my worst nightmare. I don't believe it's possible but there's this fear (I'm sure coming from the devil) that I will be awful or something. Also, I am starting to think...ah! I need diapers! Isn't that kind of one of those necessities? Oh, and uhh...FORMULA??!! Like, I'm not breastfeeding my baby...so I should probably have some on hand! And I need to look up like...how much a baby goes through formula and how fast. Cause do I just get one can, or a billion? These are the things that suddenly come to me and I get all crazy anxious about. I just need to do my research and do my shopping.
6. I am finding that I feel so cramped and squished...this is seriously not good since I still have two weeks before I even hit the third trimester! It will just get a hundred times worse, I know. Everytime I bend over it is such an ordeal! And everytime I move from one side to the other, it is so hard. I'm seriously concerned about that third trimester. How will I survive!
7. We both feel so blessed! Life is just amazing. We are so happy and excited about everything in our life.
Hopefully my next post will be pictures of the baby room eh? And maybe I'll be sleeping better.
2. I am a mess over the nursery. I have all these booming ideas and then I worry late into the early hours of the morning, PAST midnight, when I need to be sleeping, all about if I would regret painting a chalkboard wall, or if it will look stupid to have a rug under the rocking chair, or if a dresser is really a good idea in such a small room or if I should go with a changing table that is smaller, and if I should do a garland, or if that'd be too busy, and THE LIST GOES ON! I mean seriously, I worry about these things and it keeps me from sleeping! It drives me bonkers! The whole night I say to myself, "Danielle, worry about it tomorrow- just go to sleep....PLEASE just go to sleep...COME ON NOW JUST STOP THINKING!" It rarely works and I've decided I probably will just be like this until its done. So I plow forward.
3. Paul finished the crib and it. is. GORGEOUS! I mean, seriously. Better than I could've imagined. I'm inlove with it! If all things go wrong in that nursery, that crib makes up for it. It's amazing. I'm so lucky.
4. I go through spurts of eating superbly, and then pretty much not great. I usually have a green smoothie each morning no matter what (banana, oats, chia, spinach, orange juice concentrate, frozen strawberries, water), so that's good. But sometimes...like...yesterday. I ate an ENTIRE box of macaroni and cheese by myself for lunch! Yikes! But today I ate a huge spinach salad with tons of veggies and an entire avocado...so you know, I am hoping it all balances out.
5. I'm SO excited for this baby to come! I have a feeling he'll be the most wonderful human being ever to have existed. Also, I am a little nervous. I have these fears that I'll just...suck at being a mom. Anytime I voice these opinions everyone is like- blah blahlbalh you will be amazing! I know, I know. But I can't help it! I don't KNOW what I haven't experienced yet, you know? Like, what if I have a baby and HATE IT?!?! This is my worst nightmare. I don't believe it's possible but there's this fear (I'm sure coming from the devil) that I will be awful or something. Also, I am starting to think...ah! I need diapers! Isn't that kind of one of those necessities? Oh, and uhh...FORMULA??!! Like, I'm not breastfeeding my baby...so I should probably have some on hand! And I need to look up like...how much a baby goes through formula and how fast. Cause do I just get one can, or a billion? These are the things that suddenly come to me and I get all crazy anxious about. I just need to do my research and do my shopping.
6. I am finding that I feel so cramped and squished...this is seriously not good since I still have two weeks before I even hit the third trimester! It will just get a hundred times worse, I know. Everytime I bend over it is such an ordeal! And everytime I move from one side to the other, it is so hard. I'm seriously concerned about that third trimester. How will I survive!
7. We both feel so blessed! Life is just amazing. We are so happy and excited about everything in our life.
Hopefully my next post will be pictures of the baby room eh? And maybe I'll be sleeping better.
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