Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Highs and lows

I feel like these days I have been having all sorts of highs and lows. I mean seriously. I can be on top of the world one minute and in the depths of despair the next! That's okay. I think Clay is even getting used to it. 

Low: I hate doctors! I really do. I have had some doctors help me a ton sure, actually not really. I can think of one doctor. Actually two. One helped me get much better from Lyme Disease, the other gave me an allergy shot. Both were great helps in my life. But for the most part, I despise doctors. At least the ones I've come in contact with. Doctors go to school for like 8 years, or 12 or something. So that makes them feel entitled and makes them think they know everything. And it makes them think they know more about diseases than you do, when they've never experienced them in their life. To me, a doctor telling me about Lyme not existing, is like me telling someone that has eaten a starfruit, that starfruits don't really exist, because I have never tasted one. All of this is to say, we encountered a doctor recently that told us that we probably never really had Lyme Disease, and that the doctor who treated us didn't follow the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) and that the CDC is a huge organization and anyone who doesn't trust that probably doesn't know what they are talking about. I didn't say this, because just trust me when I say it wasn't the right time, but I wanted to say- Yes, the CDC is so trustworthy that for years and years it fought Lyme specialists on the fact that they were grossly underreporting the amount of Lyme cases that occured each year. For years they said less than 30,000 cases of Lyme were occuring each year. And what do you know, the CDC came out with a huge statement just a few months ago that said, "Woops! We underreported by TEN TIMES! Meaning the more accurate report would be that there were 300,000 cases of Lyme JUST LAST YEAR!" Yep Mr. Doctor who knows all, that is your trusted CDC who underreported a horrible disease by ten times! No wonder it's not getting the research it should! But I didn't say any of that. We just moved on. But I'll tell you that this is the typical attitude of medical doctors and it makes my body have these awful feelings and my face has these awful twitches from trying to keep my mouth shut (when appropriate). 

High: I love wearing scarfs again! See that picture? I like it because it shows two fall-y things that are quite nice. Scarf, and jean jacket. I have never been a jean jacket person. Never. One day I thought, I need a jean jacket. So I started looking for one. Target came through and had one that fit me like a button! I got it and it just makes me feel a bit more grown up. I'm not sure why...I think its  just that I never used to buy things that are "staples" I just bought like, a super cute outfit or whatever. Nothing that could go with lots of things. I've been seeking staples a bit more these days. I think that's what makes me feel a bit more grown up. 

Low: I not only still have fruit flies, but I also have a few buzzing flies around my kitchen. I am convinced God created flies of all kinds to try and test human beings. These flies can get me quite worked's a trial. But I suppose God may have also created them to try and keep your house clean. My poor house. I just don't clean it enough.

High: Clay's book! This has been a big high. We have been so pleased and seriously thank you to everyone who is facebooking, pinteresting, buying, reviewing. We are so blessed! It is seriously so exciting. And to everyone who has read it, please leave a review on Amazon!!! And if you haven't read it, what are you waiting for?! Click HERE to get it! 

Low: Call me a broken record, but when will I get to be a mom already? It really all comes back to this. It's a frustrating thing for me. I have moments of trusting in God's plan for me and I have moments of saying, "But wait- why me?" It is a vicious cycle. I am mostly okay. But I have found that every once in a while something that upsets me, that has nothing to do with even having a baby, can set me off in a wicked way that makes all emotions crashing down and I remember how much I hurt from all of my trials. Like, one day I asked Clay to go get some dinner for us and he didn't feel like it and he didn't and I BAWLED MY EYES OUT! ha! Seriously! Clay thought I was insane I'm pretty sure, but what the truth it really wasn't about that. I think it was more of a "why can't anything go my way?!" type of cry. "Why do I have a dumb disease? Why can't I get pregnant? Why is it so hard for me to make dinner and clean my kitchen consistently?" type of thing. One that was just the extra push to make all my emotions come down. This doesn't happen too often (I don't think) but when it does it comes down hard and it is hard on me. But I always pull it together and am fine afterwards. Sunday's are always, always hard for me. I have been trying to snap out of this habitual emotional response I have. Where I sit and see babies and children and moms and families and I am sitting there alone. Even if I'm next to someone, I am still alone. Clay doesn't go to church these days because his immune system is still fragile and he gets sick everytime he goes. So I go to church and try my best to focus on the talks and things, but it is hard. Thank heavens for my new calling! I teach the 11 year old girls in primary and they are seriously heaven-sent. They are adorable and sweet and eager to learn and they are also great examples to me. I hope I am teaching them well. 

High: I am going to Oregon in three days. YAY! Do you know how often I crave the ocean and sand? Often. I am so excited to spend time with my parents and smell the salty fish aroma in the air. It will be wonderful. Not to mention a whole week of sleeping in. Heaven. 

Well, that is pretty much all I can think of. I am happy it's October and we are heading into the holidays. Holidays make me happy. 


  1. Don't feel bad about the flies. Everyone is complaining around here how bad they are. They are nasty! Jeff finally hung a fly strip up and it was so gross how fast the thing was covered. I didn't realize that we had that many but we did. Ren went to buy one at the store and there is seriously a shortage of them around here. And fruit flies, they just happen too. We had them as well. I love 10 and 11 year old primary kids. I teach the 10 year olds but will be moving up with them next year. They have the best discussions!

  2. Sorry things suck sometimes. This popped in my head- but maybe if you sit in the front row, it will help with the baby thing? I was going to say, you and I always seem to be on the same wave length, but I guess right now I volunteered for all my trials and you definitely didn't ask for any of it. All I gotta say, and I DO believe this- is God makes up for everything. He knows all your trials, the big and small ones and probably comprehends how hard it is, even better than you- and he'll make up for it. When I think of you I think to myself, "Man, she must be having some SWEET blessings on the way. Something BIG." I mean, you just have to. Like, you'll have the best baby in the world- or something magnificent that makes all the pain worth going through. It's just got to be that way.

    I thought what you said about the flies was hilarious. I think that about mice. YUCK!!! I can't believe you've never had a jean jacket! Crazy! I've had so many! Different eras. I don't have one now though. I feel like all I HAVE is staples. Nothing unique and especially cute. Just stuff that goes with everything and is BLAH. Scarves and I are just not meant to be friends, unless it's cold. But they look so awesome on everyone else. I just can't have so much bulk by my face if it isn't physically necessary.

    I think the only thing I hate as much as doctors are the people that support them. That probably sounds really bad. But I know you know what I mean. I don't hate all people. I really don't.

    I just wish I could come hug you! I'm feeling blue too. Love you!!!

  3. Holy craps the book! I forgot to write about it! I'm only a few chapters in,but I LOVE IT! I can't believe he wrote it! Insane! I think it's so rad that I know the person who wrote it! I feel like I know someone famous! If this gets around, I feel like he WILL be famous! It's just so good! Like all the good famous books that suddenly surged the nation and became a movie. I seriously feel this way! And I have no idea if it will happen, but I hope it does. Love you.

  4. First of all, you looked absolutely beautiful in that pic!! I love scarves but am not real practice at them. I agree with Megan. Heavenly Father always compensates for the trials in our lives. It's hard though in the meantime and sometimes that compensation is a long ways down the road. My heart aches for you. I am so grateful that you teach those girls, what a sweet age. I think the reason you don't get your meals and kitchen done as often as you would like is because you are tired after a days work!!!! I have a hard time with dinner and I don't have a full time job doing something I would rather not do. I have the job I want and still struggle with those things. Has Clay considered coming in late and leaving during the closing song. I know he's tired, but maybe he could just go during Sacrament meeting and then go home back to sleep. That way he wouldn't come in contact with people individually. Doctors... you know how I feel about that. I think women have a tendency to take all there problems on at one time and one thing leads to the next and we fall apart bigtime. Flies, I HATE flies. We have had weird ones this year that like to land on you and in your hair and on your arms they were so annoying. I'm so excited for tomorrow!! love you!!

  5. I love the picture of you with your scarf, I love scarves, and have a few. I have learned to tie them in different ways and so they are more useful to me. I HATE flies, and there have been more of them than is necessary around my house lately. Such a real pain!!! They are one thing that makes me swear and then I need to repent. I ache for you and your need to have a child, it is so hard. It would be something if Clay could go to church just as it starts, and slip out just as the closing song is being sung. Then he wouldn't come into contact with people. I do understand, as people bring sick children to church, and themselves for some reason when they have a nasty cold. But I have done Sacrament a lot of times the way I suggested when I have felt the need. I think doctors are overrated at times. I have been blessed to have a few good ones that have listened to me, and I am grateful for them. Even my heart surgeon has been good to listen to me as I do not want to take a blood thinner cumiden by name, and he has listened to my reasons each and every time. I have a really good primary care doctor that listens to me also. I have been to a natural doctor that has been really good also. So I am grateful for these men, but for every good one there are at least 20 that have a Godhead complex and are so arrogant that they drive me crazy. The great difference is that God knows he is God and they think they are God. They are the most stupid SOB's possible. So there you know what I think of most of the medical field. I love you so much and I think that Megan is right, in that Heavenly Father is aware of all of your pain and sorrow and he will answer your prayers and your needs, it just may not be in the way you expect and when you want it done. I think you are such a patient and wonderful young woman. Just wait upon the Lord, and it will happen, we are all praying for you and I know that prayers are answered. I can relate so well to your not wanting to cook when you are working, and so tired when you come home. I had such a hard time when I worked so many years after everyone left home, when it was time for dinner, I never wanted to cook, and then I had to clean up the mess. I have a hard time sometimes now and I don't work at all, I just don't want to think of anything to cook and it just seems so difficult sometimes. The older you get the more it just seems such a chore. I don't enjoy it like I used to. I loved being with you this week. It was so fun. Hugs and Kisses I am so glad you made it home safe and sound. Love you so much