Every time someone asks me how I'm feeling, I say honestly- "Great!"
I really have been SO so blessed with this pregnancy. No complications, no extra pains or worries, the baby kicks all the time, all my levels and hormones are on point, everything is as it should be.
I am so lucky!
I have been exercising, and eating very healthy this week. I ate sweet potatoes, avocados, lots of veggies, green smoothies, berries, oats, some homemade whole wheat bread, things like that.
Well, yesterday I woke up feeling exhausted. So so tired. And not even just tired. My legs were heavy, my arms were heavy, and suddenly I flashed back to Thanksgiving of 2010 when I truly realized, something is wrong with me...this isn't normal. My body felt like it did when I was in the throws of fighting Lyme. Every movement was such an effort. I felt weak, and like I could just lay my head down and fall asleep and not do anything and be completely satisfied.
It worried me.
I thought, why am I feeling this way? I have been so healthy!
A couple thoughts came to mind...though I had been healthy, my diet was SEVERELY lacking in protein. Also, the day before I had worked, gone to the gym, gone grocery shopping, unloaded and put away lots of groceries, did dinner, cleaned kitchen, made bread, and by the time I was done it was 9:30. I THINK the reason of that heavy day was that I was working hard and not feeding my body enough protein. So yesterday night I ate a meaty spaghetti at Patty's, I ate a bunch of lara bars (not super high in protein but has some) and rested, and this morning I woke up feeling renewed. My body doesn't feel heavy anymore! (Even though at the doctors office the scale tipped way higher than I've ever seen before!) What a relief.
The fear still remains though. I worry all the time that it is coming back for me and Clay. I worry that I will experience what I've read about for so many women with Lyme...that they have FANTASTIC pregnancies, much like me, and as soon as they have the baby the Lyme comes swooshing back in their lives with an even greater force than before. That as soon as I have a baby to care for, my body will feel heavy and tired again, and what if I'm not enough?!
These thoughts terrify me.
Then, today at the doctors appointment, I asked about testing the baby for Lyme. It was met with not the best reaction...but I need to do more research on this to help back me up and help me decide what the best route to take is anyway.
What if my baby has Lyme?
Yes, I am the luckiest. I am so blessed. I have had an amazing pregnancy! But. I have these special little fears that no one would even know to ask about. I may feel great, but it doesn't take away the fear of what's to come.
I AM the luckiest though. I AM so blessed. Even if all these worst case scenarios happen, I KNOW what to do. I KNOW what it is. I will understand why its happening! Just think of all those poor women and babies that this happens to that don't understand. I am so lucky and so blessed that I have the knowledge I do and that I have been through what I have so that I can fight whatever comes my way! And as with everything, I have the Lord on my side, and he will help me through anything.
I know I can do it. No matter what it is. I will handle it, and my body is capable. I know the power and strength my body can have and I WILL be the best mother for my child.
Alright, good pep talk!