Every time someone asks me how I'm feeling, I say honestly- "Great!"
I really have been SO so blessed with this pregnancy. No complications, no extra pains or worries, the baby kicks all the time, all my levels and hormones are on point, everything is as it should be.
I am so lucky!
I have been exercising, and eating very healthy this week. I ate sweet potatoes, avocados, lots of veggies, green smoothies, berries, oats, some homemade whole wheat bread, things like that.
Well, yesterday I woke up feeling exhausted. So so tired. And not even just tired. My legs were heavy, my arms were heavy, and suddenly I flashed back to Thanksgiving of 2010 when I truly realized, something is wrong with me...this isn't normal. My body felt like it did when I was in the throws of fighting Lyme. Every movement was such an effort. I felt weak, and like I could just lay my head down and fall asleep and not do anything and be completely satisfied.
It worried me.
I thought, why am I feeling this way? I have been so healthy!
A couple thoughts came to mind...though I had been healthy, my diet was SEVERELY lacking in protein. Also, the day before I had worked, gone to the gym, gone grocery shopping, unloaded and put away lots of groceries, did dinner, cleaned kitchen, made bread, and by the time I was done it was 9:30. I THINK the reason of that heavy day was that I was working hard and not feeding my body enough protein. So yesterday night I ate a meaty spaghetti at Patty's, I ate a bunch of lara bars (not super high in protein but has some) and rested, and this morning I woke up feeling renewed. My body doesn't feel heavy anymore! (Even though at the doctors office the scale tipped way higher than I've ever seen before!) What a relief.
The fear still remains though. I worry all the time that it is coming back for me and Clay. I worry that I will experience what I've read about for so many women with Lyme...that they have FANTASTIC pregnancies, much like me, and as soon as they have the baby the Lyme comes swooshing back in their lives with an even greater force than before. That as soon as I have a baby to care for, my body will feel heavy and tired again, and what if I'm not enough?!
These thoughts terrify me.
Then, today at the doctors appointment, I asked about testing the baby for Lyme. It was met with not the best reaction...but I need to do more research on this to help back me up and help me decide what the best route to take is anyway.
What if my baby has Lyme?
Yes, I am the luckiest. I am so blessed. I have had an amazing pregnancy! But. I have these special little fears that no one would even know to ask about. I may feel great, but it doesn't take away the fear of what's to come.
I AM the luckiest though. I AM so blessed. Even if all these worst case scenarios happen, I KNOW what to do. I KNOW what it is. I will understand why its happening! Just think of all those poor women and babies that this happens to that don't understand. I am so lucky and so blessed that I have the knowledge I do and that I have been through what I have so that I can fight whatever comes my way! And as with everything, I have the Lord on my side, and he will help me through anything.
I know I can do it. No matter what it is. I will handle it, and my body is capable. I know the power and strength my body can have and I WILL be the best mother for my child.
Alright, good pep talk!
I'm sorry you have to worry about all this. I'm glad you realized it wasn't lyme symptoms, I wanted to call you because I've been feeling the SAME WAY. Not just tired, but heavy limbs. Strangely overwhelmingly heavy body and exhaustion upon waking. I can't believe all the things you're doing. Dishes and dinner are all I can do. It's over after that. One thing I noticed about this is you kept saying the word FEAR. We know where that comes from. I'm not surprised about lyme coming back AFTER the baby, because babies often come with major anxiety and sleep deprivation and depending on your labor, the recovery can be intense. But for some it is so much easier AFTER the baby! I hear a lot of women say that. I should've known you were worried about this, but since you haven't mentioned it, I haven't thought of it since you first got pregnant. I will pray for you to feel peace now and have a quick smooth recovery and as stress free adjustment as possible! I love you. Try to remember if you're AFRAID, those aren't worthy emotions. If something WAS wrong that you'd need to know- it wouldn't feel like fear. Obviously easier to say out loud than actually do. I love you. Just remember not every one relapses and you've done everything you can to keep it at bay and the Lord will take care of you, no matter what! I love you!
ReplyDeleteWow, this was a beautiful post. The part at the end was just so inspiring. That is exactly what I was going to comment if you didn't post it yourself. If there's one thing I've learned from everything that's happened in my life it's that God is always there and he will never let you work longer or harder than you are capable of. So many times in the last year I have almost broken down from trying when He sent me the most perfectly planned tender mercy that gave me to hope, strength and courage I needed. Whatever you and your body need after having this baby, Danielle, I know Heavenly Father will give it to you, especially because you are one of the most spiritual and righteous people I know.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just read most, if not all, of the blogs I missed. I love your 26 things list. Your lists and goals keep me in perspective and remind me that I need to be productive too! Seriously, I am so so so grateful to have your example in my life. I'm so excited to see pics of the nursery!!! I bet it's going to be perfect. I looove all your other decor and I love it when you post it. Oh, and I didn't know Clay was planning on doing another book!!! I'm so excited! Did I tell you that I don't even like sci-fi, but I loved his book (probly cause of the tiny bit of romance, but whatever ;). Anyway, love you, Danielle! Thanks for keeping up the blogging even while the rest of us are failing at it. :)
You are an example to all of us Danielle. Your attitude and faith is great! I never had to go through those fears. I had the normal ones, but not the extra ones. I love you and am excited to come and help you with your new little one!
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